I just got done with a hot, epsom salt bath. At 3:30pm.
And before that I played with my flowers for hours. And before that I stopped at Starbucks and bought myself a latte. And before that I went to Hot Yin Yoga with one of my favorite instructors and basked in the glory of stretching and meditating (read: laying on my mat in a hot room). And before that I had breakfast made for me. And, to top it all off, I am getting pizza on the grill tonight.
Pretty great Saturday if you ask me. However, it didn’t start out that amazing.
My husband and I fought this morning. Nothing earth-shattering, but heavy air now nonetheless. We have been working together on a few very important items and we’re in a constant state of progress and sometimes we have hiccups. But all is forgiven and right in the world again. Note: this is because I took the time to put myself first after that. Had I not, it would still be bad.
Plus, I have been in a funk all week. I haven’t totally been able to nail down the source; probably a combination of things like always. Certainly the anticipation of Day 90 has loomed for the past few weeks. I find myself fretting over the dumbest things. Like, will Sunday be the first day I have a drink because it’s Day 90 or technically will it be Monday because then it would truly be 90 days? Or, will I be able to have one? Should I really be “celebrating” with the thing I have been trying to avoid all this time?
This is the stupid shit that runs through my head.
But, here’s the two things thing. 1. Ultimately, it’s my decision. I have to be okay with whatever I decide…about anything. And 2. Tomorrow is not today. I don’t have to worry about anything that is going to happen tomorrow today. I’ll wake up the same person I am right now.
I have no guarantee that the tomatoes on my margherita pizza won’t kill me tonight. Or that I won’t get hit by a drunk driver on the way home from the grocery store (wouldn’t that be ironic). Or that I won’t wake up at all tomorrow.
I know, I know. That all sounds real doomsday but I have a point.
After yoga this morning someone I admire immensely took the time out of her day to pull me aside and tell me this very sentiment. It doesn’t matter if it’s 9 days or 91 days or 181 days or whatever. Today is today and tomorrow is tomorrow. That’s it. To worry about anything else it futile.
We both admitted to thinking during yoga (and got a good chuckle out of it), which we all know shouldn’t be what we’re doing. (Or should it? I thought about this today while raking out the peonies. Why “shouldn’t” I be thinking on my yoga mat? It’s honestly where I get some of my best ideas. And isn’t it about “my practice”? So, whatever I do on my mat is my beeswax.)
As we’ve all heard the adage “take one day at a time” probably more than once in our lives, and ahem, rolled our eyes at the messenger (I’ll be the first to admit that), it is true.
I used to think it was a bunch of garbage. “Easy for you to say, you don’t have this and this and that and this going on. I have to plan for the future and if I don’t look back how will I learn from the past?” Except I wasn’t planning and I didn’t learn. I kept myself stuck in the same wet diaper blaming someone else for not changing it for me.
And at 40 years old, I am perfectly capable of changing my own dirty underwear.
In any case, I’m not gonna lie…day 89 has been sort of anti-climactic. I thought I would be more reflective or more proud of myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am proud, but to be perfectly honest, I always knew I could do it. I knew if I just said no and held myself accountable to others, there would be no question I could “accomplish” this. It became a challenge. And, if you want to see me do something, just tell me I can’t and then watch me prove you wrong.
I know, it’s bratty. I can’t help it. Plus, it’s sort of my superpower.
What I wanted out of this was a reset. I wanted to hit the slow-mo button so I could get a handle on what was actually going on in this head and body of mine. I wanted a chance to see if there was something out there that was just waiting for me to take a breath, open the door and welcome it in.
Turns out there was. Stay tuned.